求改托福作文Do you agree od disagree the following statement.A per

求改托福作文
Do you agree od disagree the following statement.A person's job has more effects on his or her happiness than this person's social life does.
What is happiness?In my opinion,happiness is a sense of accomplishment and content from the someone 's deep hearts spontaneously.Whether a person's job or this person's social life has more effect on his or her happiness is debated by many people.Careful observation and elaborate thinking convinced me that happiness which stem from a person's job has more influential than this person's social life.The following statements will strenghthen my view.
First of all,the accomplishment we acheive in the jobs virtually bring us a stronger sense of happiness.For example,I once worked as an accountant in intership,my boss asked me to check the journals and inspect whether the account book is incorrect.I stayed up nearly two days detecting the errors which have made in the journals,after my painstaking work,I finally spotted the incorrect information and finished my work with a tremedous accomplishment and happiness.However,the happiness from social life does not as meanful as job does.Apparently,when we spare no efforts to do a job,whether the achievement big or small can bring us more happiness and accomplishment.
Futhermore,it is acknowledged that thriving at jobs create higher salary which we can give our beloved ones a better quality of life,seeing them being happy,it will bring us considerable joy.For example,my father is a family-oriented man who shoulders the reponsibilities of earning money for my family and paying far attention to our family's living standards.In company,he poured his energies into projects,while at home,he always obtained the latest knowledges about his major to enhance his self-improvement.Under his laborious work,he got promoted rapidly and create much fortune to my family.As he saw my mother and I living a happy higher-quailty life,he said joyfully that his efforts was worthy.
In short,personally speaking,I maintain that a person's job has more effects on his or her happiness than his person's social life does.The accomplishment,self-improvement and the happiness family gives and so on,all of these originate from jobs give us indeed happiness.

我觉得这篇文章很明显是把一篇中文的文章翻译成了英文.语言的区别并不仅仅是词汇、发音、拼写不一样,语言会影响人的思维.以不同语言为母语的人会很自然的以不同的方式思考,每一个观点的逻辑链条都是不一样的.看你的这篇文章,很显然是典型的中文逻辑链条.看用词简洁程度,是用直译.
以你的第一段为例,典型的英文逻辑链条应该是这样的（以下文字不拘泥于语法、拼写等）：
Agree or not,your job does more on your mood than socialization.
一句话就搞定了.
就说这么多吧.